SECRETS .

I’m usually very open with my friends about my personal life, but my anxiety has felt like a secret topic. My biggest fear is that they won’t understand because they haven’t experienced it themselves, but I also worry they will judge me for being “crazy, exaggerating, weird” or even doing it for attention.

Anxiety is something that affects me daily, and while i’m slowly trying to learn to manage it, it’s also one of the many things that defines who I am as a person. I don’t need my friends to be sympathetic, but I do want them to fully understand why I do the things I do, why I have the worst mood swings, why i sometimes feel the need to disconnect for so long.

1. Outings:

Something I looked forward to yet regret so quickly. Why? I find it so hard to deal with so many noises/conversations/people at the same time. I feel the need to concentrate on what everyone is doing to feel safe yet my brain can’t handle it as its so overwhelmed. It sounds so silly but you really know when you feel overwhelmed. It’s like you feel yourself as out of this world, as someone watching whats in front of them as if its a tv show.

2. Physical symptoms:

You know the butterflies you feel before entering an exam or interview? Multiply those butterflies by as much as you can, add diarrhea, sweating and the feeling of your heart pounding out of your chest, the feeling of instability, shaky hands and legs and not forgetting the numbness i feel on my face. Despite having experienced this SO many times, I’m not safe from this, people don’t understand why I can’t deal with it if I’ve been through it so many times. Its because of my mind and fear. Believe it or not there are times I have to act like i’m fine around people yet I’m listening to the beat of my heart and internally talking to myself to calm myself down.

3. It’s uncontrollable:

This is what’s so complicated. Some days I’m fine, some days I’m not. I do know that certain situations will increase my anxiety and I try to avoid them or prepare myself as best I can which ends up making it worse. I can’t always predict it. I can be so confident in a situation where anyone would be so nervous yet going to a shopping mall can scare me so much because ‘what if…’

4.I love spending time with you:

I may shout and scream at you, drive you mad, become so anti-social at times but I love you and I truly appreciate most of your help and patience for tolerating me. I wish I could learn how to control my constant moods-swings quicker, but my brain moves too fast for me to catch up with it. But one day i’ll get there.

Thank you.

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