At times I feel paralysed with fear, at times i can’t leave my home, I was afraid to be alone but now thankfully, slowly getting better. Every day, all day, I thought I was having a heart attack, i thought i was about to die. I was sure of it. I was sweating, dizzy, chest pains, short of breath. I had to check my pulse to feel safe. I had to go to emergency room to feel safe, I needed frequent doctors appointments. I would shout all the time telling my parents ‘theres something wrong with me take me to the hospital.’ They were so worried at all times.
But, I was fine, my heart was absolutely healthy, but I still felt like the doctors were lying to me.
Then, my emergency doctor referred me to a psychologist, at that point i was so overwhelmed and didn’t know how to react to this. After spending a couple of hours with the psychologist, I started to learn so much about anxiety and panic attacks, something that i thought was unfamiliar to me but it turned out i was experiencing it everyday. I learnt about myself. I discovered myself.
I was put on medication for anxiety and depression, and to this day, still take it. Medication helps me manage the anxiety and panic attacks, but learning about myself and why I was experiencing these issues helped me more than anything. The psychologist told me once you take the medication you will understand that it is anxiety as at first I was sure it was something life-threatening not just a mental problem. But she was right. After taking medication i’m able to control myself. The mediation doesn’t remove my anxiety completely yet it controls it to a certain level. My shaky hands and haunting thoughts still come BUT with the help of the medication Im able to acknowledge its anxiety and NOT a heart attack.
The one thing that comes to my mind is WHY, HOW, WHEN… I was perfectly normal, where did this come from.
- I am still normal (reminding myself)
- This is what happened for a long time:
Imagine you’re cleaning up around the house. You pick up an object and don’t really know where to put it, so you throw it in your cupboard and shut the door. You just need it out of sight for the moment. Throughout your life, you keep doing this, throwing something in your closet for the moment, planning on taking care of it later when you have more time. Eventually your cupboard is going to fill up. One day, you will open the door to try to put one more thing in, but your closet is so full, everything comes falling out at once and you are buried in all the items you’ve been keeping in there. Anxiety is our body and mind’s way of saying, “Hey! This cupboard is getting pretty full! You better start taking care of it soon!” And when we ignore the warning to start cleaning, and our closet is finally full, a panic attack is our body and minds way of saying, “I told you!”
It reminds me of my mind, how so many things would upset me, stress me out, anger me yet i’d keep it all to myself, ‘forget about it and try to move on,’ i was a sponge, my mind absorbed everything and did not deal with it. It was my fault. I allowed my brain to explode. I held on to anger, pain, disappointment and it was eating away at my soul.
I started to realize every bad thing that ever happened, happened for a reason, I just never took the time to try to see it differently, I always looked at the negative side… But guess what, theres a positive side to everything too, and you will find out why ‘something bad happened’ in the future and look back and say thats why this bad situation happened, to teach me how to deal with this…
So in a weird way, I am grateful for being diagnosed with anxiety as I think it will make my life better. I believe its teaching me how to deal with life and whats coming for me in the future, how to deal with stressful situations and how to help others and make a difference. Fist i would think ‘why me’ but now I am happy its me. I pray one day I can help and benefit people that are suffering like me. Because everything happens for a reason. And anxiety is preparing me for the future.