‘My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.’
It it more than worry, a racing heartbeat and exam stress. Here is what a normal day feels like for me without medication.
1. Everything is fake. I look at my hands and don’t recognize them, I look at family members and feel like they’re fake, same with my face in the mirror. I touch my face and I’ll think I’m dreaming, everything seems so unfamiliar. And then everything around seems like I’m watching it through a lens or from outside of my self as if I’m watching the world of tv, again I feel fake.
2. Anxiety presents itself as anger, random mood swings or random shouting, it’s being overwhelmed by your thoughts. It’s easier for me to direct the emotion outwards at someone else, something else or some situation than it is to face the inner anxiety and thoughts. I take out the fear my thoughts are causing to other people.
3. Sometimes I can’t hear you talking, I can only hear my heartbeat.
4. Tremors that cause exhaustion. My legs can’t hold me, my hands can’t hold a pen. They shake as fast as my thoughts… all I need is a nap, yet anxiety keeps me up all night.
5. Eczema. Since the day I was born. When my distorted thoughts increase and anxiety levels go up, my eczema itches like crazy and the more stressed I get, the more red it appears and the more red it is the more it burns and the more it itches.
6. “You’re always tired” I KNOW. I cant help it. Despite my daily medicine making me tired, my daily thoughts/anxiety/feelings make me even more exhausted. I might have just been so energetic yet I get one haunting thought and become so exhausted. I wish it wasn’t like this.
7. I love crying. A lot of crying or needing to cry. I can’t talk clearly, when I try to talk about my anxiety my throats becomes a rock and if I’m able to speak a bit I have to fight back my tears. Sometimes it’s too much and I have to cry even if it’s in public so I can calm down. I never use to cry, now wherever I am, if I need to cry I will, it makes me feel so much better. It reminds me my thoughts are a lie.
8. Nausea and a constant ringing in my ear that gets louder as my anxiety gets worse. Also I’m usually pretty sensitive to sounds, so when I’m very anxious the smallest noises irritate me out of proportion. As well as this, I get scared of the smallest things. The buzz of a fly, the sound of a school bell, something dropping, yelling. I jump and it feels like my heart stops. It takes me a few minutes to recover. Everything around me starts making me uncomfortable, every noise. It makes me irritated, mad. I feel the need to run away from crowds to a silent area.
Be patient with the people around you.
You never know who feels this way and can’t help it.