a love letter to my anxiety

Dear Anxiety, 
I should hate you, but I don’t. I fear you. I regret you. But I don’t hate you.
Maybe I should name you something else, something that would make you a little less intimidating, a name that people don’t look down on, a name that people dont find weird, maybe one that is a little more human. If I find you a name that people are less afraid off maybe they’ll begin to understand who you are. 
I should hate you, but I don’t. I fear you. I regret you. But I don’t hate you.
To me you’re almost like a ghost or an imaginary friend thats out to get me, you’re shapeless, but you can drag me and beat me until my body aches. You cling to my body, pulling me back from moving forward. I’m seeing you more clearly now, though. You seem to know me very well. You know my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears, you’re good at influencing my thoughts, you always know when the perfect time to strike me is. 
Like I said,

I should hate you, but I don’t. I fear you. I regret you. But I don’t hate you. 
Why don’t I hate you, all those times I shouted at you saying ‘you’ve ruined my life,’ all those times you stopped me doing the things I love. I should hate you, but I don’t.
You see as weird as this seems, you’ve taught me so much. Because of you, I truly know myself. I feel free and proud to finally accept myself for who I really am. I am flawed. I make mistakes. I am afraid and its okay to be afraid. I’ve learnt that I can control my negative thoughts, thanks to you! 

I cannot escape you. Your grip is too strong, your voice too loud inside my head. In those moments, I have to confront my reality. Instead of running away, blocking out all negative thoughts, you force me to accept it. You taught me that life is not all rainbows and faries, you taught me there is always a dark side to life that I can escape if I believe I can. You taught me I can do whatever I want if I believe in myself. You taught me to be happy with myself no matter what. You taught me to me satisfied with my life despite my differences to others. You taught me to love myself. I didn’t love myself, instead I’d blame myself. You would attack me. I feared you. You taught me. So I don’t hate you.
Remember those times I tried to run away from you yet you grabbed on to me, i felt you hold onto my shoulders and shake me yet I could’t see you. I was afraid.
 I denied negativity, I denied sadness, I denied you. I pretended that I was okay, all of the time. Of course, you were floating around in my life watching me, waiting for me to let you into my life. And when I did, you did not go easy on me. It was terrible, the worst experience of my life, yet somehow the best, a life lesson in disguise? It was real, but you aren’t real. It was my truth, you knew my truth before I did, you gave that to me, so I owe you a thanks. Thank you for finally forcing me to confront and accept the person I really am. How could I ever forget you, from haunting me at night to teaching me who I am. 
Turns out you ruined the life I was living where I didn’t know myself. All I can do now is thank you – but remember I still fear you.
Zaina X

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