Psychologist: ’Zaina, you have anxiety and panic disorder’
My thoughts:What in the world? Me? That can’t be right!
But I nodded.
Psychiatrist: I have decided to put you on this medicine, we’re starting off with a small dose to get you started, take one pill a day.
And again I nodded.
I went home and cried in my room.
I couldn’t believe that I had left myself suffering for SO long.
I was always extremely nervous when meeting new people, going new places or even when things didn’t go the way I wanted it.
I didn’t realize that if I swept all these problems under the carpet it would escalate to this degree.
I really hated myself that day. I felt betrayed and hurt from myself.
I was in denial.
My thoughts: No way am I taking medication for anxiety, I don’t need it, I can work on it myself. It can’t be that bad, i’ll just control it.
I refused to take medication.
I was in denial.
I went on a weekend trip to Madinah, Saudi Arabia. In my eyes this is the most peaceful city in the world, but there was nothing about my trip that was peaceful, I wrote about this trip on my instagram:
‘My last visit to Madinah was so upsetting, my anxiety was all over the place which would explain the situation I was in. I stopped myself from doing so many things and restricted my family from doing things too. I was unable to pray half the time because of constant panic attacks and tears. I can’t forget how the people were staring at me, but they didn’t know I was more confused than them, I didn’t know what was happening to me. Imagine having panic attacks in a holy city, I was so ashamed yet I knew it wasn’t my fault.’
After this trip when we got back home, my parents forced me to take my medication, obviously, being very in denial, I did everything I could to get it out of my system.
I would take the pill in front of them, go to the sink, stick my finger in my throat and it would come back out.
I was afraid of this medication.
Will I get any side effects?
Will it make me different?
Will I become rude?
What if I can’t control what I do and say?
Will it control me?
Because I was so afraid my Psychiatrist decided to change the medication to Prozac 20mg.
About a week after avoiding medication I went to my first therapy session.
After a reassuring session with my therapist I decided to take my first tablet.
They started me off with the tiniest dose of 10mg just to reassure me and show me that I won’t get any side effects.
from 10mg I went up to 20mg then up to 40mg.
I can’t even explain the situation I was in before medication, looking back I genuinely feel sorry for myself, I couldn’t talk, I could only cry.
Thinking about that day, I remember how much my body was aching, how my 44kg body could barely hold me, how my mother had to support me during every step I took. I felt sorry for myself because I had left myself to suffer for so long.
PLEASE do not let yourself suffer for so long.
My BIGGEST mistake is being in denial
PLEASE seek help.
For a year and a half my prozac pill became a part of me and as cheesy as it sounds, I’ll never forget the good it did to me.
I will never be able to thank my Doctors and Parents for not giving up on me and continuing to push me to take my medication.
It stopped my from worrying, it made me happy, it allowed me to enjoy life, it allowed me to sleep, it allowed me to socialize, it allowed me to make friends and most of all it allowed zainaspeaks to come about!
What was the reassuring session I had with my therapist?
It is normal to take medication, it’s like taking vitamins to stabilize your vitamin D/B levels or taking iron tablets. It’s just this time, these pills are stabilizing your serotonin (hormone) levels.
Taking medication for anxiety is nothing to be ashamed about!
If this is what God has written to happen to you in your life then we’ll accept it.
As a believer of God I know that if there is something available to help me then I will use it.
Prozac was there, it is my duty to look after my body, I took it.
Thanks for reading!